You know how there are all these lawsuits suing McDonalds for making people fat? Well I blame Mr. Willy Wonka for my fatness. Remember the old Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie? They spend almost 15 minutes at the beginning of the movie just showing delicious chocolatey goodness - specifically brainwashing you into wanting calories made of chocolate love. The whole movie is a drool-fest inviting you to go back to your childhood days of candy where the only consequence was a sticky face, not thunder thighs. Candy still sticks to me all right, it sticks right to my hips and makes my butt grow to enormous proportions.
Kids everywhere (and those of us who were seduced as kids by the chocolate waterfall and edible grass) need to rise up and fight back against the "Fat Nation" culture that Willy Wonka promotes with his tall purple hat and cheesy-creepy smile. I mean, think about it, he is the pinnacle of a stranger offering you candy. And my advice to you is to run! Run far and run fast! Run while you still can, because if Willy Wonka gets you, you won't be able to run at all. And then you will have to spend months in front of an annoyingly thin woman named "Work-Out-Barbie" who tells you that you really should be able to stick your head between your legs because all normal, non-fat people can. They can also twist into a pretzel shape. And make balloon animals out of themselves to entertain their kids. Why can't you!? I'm not BITTER, CANDY MAN!!! ...stupid oompa-loompas..
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